Marriage and Divorce

In today's world, people get validation by showing off their marital status. Some go into marriage for economic reasons, political reasons and or to strengthen a lifelong prestige with families. If you ask me, I would say the essence of marriage is getting lost as the years roll by that even venturing into that fairyland becomes a dread to many of us. And so if the essence of a thing is lost, then there is going to be a lot of problem with handling it. Some people even have bragging rights over being in the shortest marriage in the world... Unbelievable!

Looking back at the design of marriage for humans, it was meant to foster love, companionship and for many procreation. Even around the globe, many people celebrate St. Valentine's day, if you must know, the reason for that day was because one person defiled all odds and rules to continue to strengthen what he believes was the will of God for mankind... Marriage. Be you a Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, atheist, etc., there is that thin cord that binds all together, be it consensual or contractual, and that is marriage. Why then has it become so difficult these days to keep a marriage together for as long as it is meant for? I would be sighting a few.

Divorce in itself is not a terrible thing, especially when you are in a relationship where you are faced with various forms of abuse (physical, emotional and verbal), infidelity, or as many would call it "incompatibility". I would like to note here "Do not wait till you are killed or maimed before you leave that abusive relationship because of what the society or family would say or think of you". You are better off alive without that person than dead as a result of your resilience in the face of adversity. Other reasons can be fear of the unknown and low self-worth.

Talking about resilience, this same resilience that has made a lot of people stay in that relationship that is killing them is the same that a lot of people lack which pushes them to just quit at the slightest displeasure. Our fathers used to say that "marriage is a bed of roses with thorns". I would agree because even in a friendship between two people, there are bound to be disagreements, arguments, fights, and differences in beliefs because of our upbringing and experiences. These are some of the issues that come with the coming together of two different people, especially people who would be in the same space for about 12hrs more or less every day. You do need resilience to be able to survive you know.

That is why I subscribe to adequate assessment, especially psychologically, before embarking on marriage. Even if it is just for the simple reason of knowing who you are and who your partner is. Remember, "Knowledge is Power! When you know all these things, just as you can obtain a medical report before getting married, you are in a better place to make an informed decision. A psychological assessment would also give you that edge as you are better placed to tackle events that are unplanned. Let us talk about what marriage and divorce would do for you as a couple and even in extension to the children.

We can all attest to the fact that marriage is sweet. In fact, a healthy marriage is very good for couples' physical and mental health. More so for the children too as they feel protected when they are groomed in a happy home which fosters the child mentally, physically, educationally and socially. Divorce on the other hand can cause a negative effect on our well-being. Many people have gone into depression, self-esteem issues, loneliness and isolation, binge eating, obesity and other psychological distresses as a result of divorce. Even the process can be a long and energy-sapping for some, and therefore, there is the need to seek psychological support before, during and even after the process.

Do not get me wrong, I am not preaching divorce, even though I have earlier sounded a warning to those who need to leave a relationship that is draining them off until they may be nothing left. You need to be sure that you are ready, and I mean in all ramifications, not just financially to embark on marriage. If not, remember the thorns I spoke about earlier, it would just become so uncomfortable for you that you would also join the bandwagon instead of seeking help for yourself and the ones you love. I would share a few of those tips that have helped 95% of those who practice them live a healthy marriage life.

Do not entertain the thought that your life would be better off outside of marriage. That is a pitfall! Avoid it if you want to strengthen your marriage. Our thought has a lot of influence on our outlook and disposition to the things and people around us. Remember again, this is not for those in a relationship that is a threat to their lives and property.

Do not go into a relationship where you are not respected in the first place. Respect in itself is a strengthener of marriage. And I am talking about both parties. I would remind you again, that respect they say is reciprocal. Give respect, demand respect, get respect. One major way to do this is to consistently compliment your spouse.

Do not go a day without communicating with each other. I wonder why someone would claim to love someone and not speak with the person for 24hrs!!! That is a killer. I mean how would you survive??? We are in the age of smartphones, it makes it even easier for you to reach out to the one you love. communication also involves listening to your partner and being clear on what is said.

Do not stay boring. Yes, I mean that! When you have been in the space of each other for a long time, the vibes and romance may begin to get recurring and you may begin to lose interest. Especially for those with the personality type that always want new adventures, experiences and all. See the reason for the assessment I talked about earlier?? One simple way out of this is to spark up your life consistently with new things and even old things that you haven't done in a long long time.

Do not hold grudges for long. It is as easy as it is. Try to forgive as quickly as possible. Do not let it linger for too long. Many people would ask, how many times should I forgive? Lol, but there are some things I just can not forgive... Yes, I know, however, you know what is most important to you. What I do know is a forgiving spirit has great positive benefits. Especially for yourself!

Don't be controlling. Many people's ego has brought their marriage into a deep mess and kept it the same. A lot of the controlling behaviour boils down to having trust issues. This is why you need to have dealt with those noose in yourself before venturing into marriage. If you went as far as marriage, then trust must or should have already been built! But if you find yourself still easily distrusting people, seek the help of an expert.

This is just me offering my little cent to these broad concepts that even if written in a 1000 page book would still be inexhaustible. Therefore, just pick what you can from this little and apply it, I would bet you would see the changes happen with little effort. 

However, if you do feel lost at times and don't know what to do....

Speak to an expert!!!

Speak to a Psychologist!!!